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Things that aren't what they appear to be

So, as I was saying, life in Bawlimore is mostly like Milwaukee, but without the glamour.

Sorta like Velveeta - it looks like cheese, but its not.  Anyhow, I found the above headline picture and it made me feel a wee bit nostalgic.  This is how I remember grocery stores from my early childhood.  Mother's dressed to go shopping, looking over the space-age foods that we were lucky enough to afford.  And there, on the top shelf, I spotted the old familiar VELVEETA box of my childhood.

I did a search on Google for the old Velveeta boxes from my childhood - the ones like this:

Well, this is the box, but in my Ohio childhood, all the writing was in English.  But everything is better in French, right?

I mean - "Fromage Fondue Pasteurise" sounds so glamorous, right?

There was nothing pissy about the name.  I mean it is VELVEETA in bold block letters that mean this stuff is all business, people. "Take no shit, take no prisoners".

And then I started looking around the picture.

All the different brands of butter.  The prepackaged cheese that meant it was better than the stuff you buy from a "monger" (which just sounds dirty), and I have to admit that I was a bit taken back by the chaos in the lower bin of tubbed dough's.

Then my eye saw something very different - back up by the VELVEETA.

Something combining two words that are seldom seen together:

Meet "Tasty Loaf", VELVEETA's low cal cousin.

Tasty Loaf? Really?

And you have to use a hack saw to shave off a piece?

Evidently, back in the day when a different recipe meant a different product name (unlike today where Nabisco makes just two cookies - Chips Ahoy, Fig Newtons (twenty different ways, all nasty) -and Oreo's of every flavor, Kraft came up with a low cal version of Velveeta.

They couldn't call it cheese.  So they named it "Tasty Loaf".

And if someone offered you a cracker with "Tasty Loaf on it," would you eat it or make this face?

Tasty Loaf? Doreen?

Now, to me, there are two kinds of food that fall into the "loaf" food group: 1) Bread and 2) Meat.

But all else makes me think of "Pinch a Loaf", which is not a food, but what your body leaves behind after its processed the food you eat.

So Tasty Loaf is both gross and funny, but not something one would like to eat.

Unless you're Divine and filming Pink Flamingo's.

So Tasty Loaf is the Baltimore of Processed Cheese Foods.  


  1. margarine...cheez whiz...velveeta...tasty loaf = GARBAGE!

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Boy, that was along way around to say you think Baltimore sucks? I didn't mind though, I like cheese. But if you don't mind, I'll skip the loaf.

  4. This really cracks me up. I remember diet margarine that wouldn't melt in boiling water. And we ate it !

  5. Velveeta has been around so long that it used to come in wooden boxes, although up till now my family and I have managed to resist its appeal. American business seems to be predicated on the idea that something can always be made worse...enter Tasty Loaf.


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