Skip to main content

Things that aren't what they appear to be



So, as I was saying, life in Bawlimore is mostly like Milwaukee, but without the glamour.

Sorta like Velveeta - it looks like cheese, but its not.  Anyhow, I found the above headline picture and it made me feel a wee bit nostalgic.  This is how I remember grocery stores from my early childhood.  Mother's dressed to go shopping, looking over the space-age foods that we were lucky enough to afford.  And there, on the top shelf, I spotted the old familiar VELVEETA box of my childhood.

I did a search on Google for the old Velveeta boxes from my childhood - the ones like this:


Well, this is the box, but in my Ohio childhood, all the writing was in English.  But everything is better in French, right?

I mean - "Fromage Fondue Pasteurise" sounds so glamorous, right?

There was nothing pissy about the name.  I mean it is VELVEETA in bold block letters that mean this stuff is all business, people. "Take no shit, take no prisoners".

And then I started looking around the picture.

All the different brands of butter.  The prepackaged cheese that meant it was better than the stuff you buy from a "monger" (which just sounds dirty), and I have to admit that I was a bit taken back by the chaos in the lower bin of tubbed dough's.

Then my eye saw something very different - back up by the VELVEETA.

Something combining two words that are seldom seen together:


Meet "Tasty Loaf", VELVEETA's low cal cousin.

Tasty Loaf? Really?

And you have to use a hack saw to shave off a piece?

Evidently, back in the day when a different recipe meant a different product name (unlike today where Nabisco makes just two cookies - Chips Ahoy, Fig Newtons (twenty different ways, all nasty) -and Oreo's of every flavor, Kraft came up with a low cal version of Velveeta.

They couldn't call it cheese.  So they named it "Tasty Loaf".

And if someone offered you a cracker with "Tasty Loaf on it," would you eat it or make this face?

Tasty Loaf? Doreen?


Now, to me, there are two kinds of food that fall into the "loaf" food group: 1) Bread and 2) Meat.

But all else makes me think of "Pinch a Loaf", which is not a food, but what your body leaves behind after its processed the food you eat.

So Tasty Loaf is both gross and funny, but not something one would like to eat.

Unless you're Divine and filming Pink Flamingo's.

So Tasty Loaf is the Baltimore of Processed Cheese Foods.  





Comments

  1. margarine...cheez whiz...velveeta...tasty loaf = GARBAGE!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Boy, that was along way around to say you think Baltimore sucks? I didn't mind though, I like cheese. But if you don't mind, I'll skip the loaf.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This really cracks me up. I remember diet margarine that wouldn't melt in boiling water. And we ate it !

    ReplyDelete
  5. Velveeta has been around so long that it used to come in wooden boxes, although up till now my family and I have managed to resist its appeal. American business seems to be predicated on the idea that something can always be made worse...enter Tasty Loaf.
    --Jim

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Consider, if you will: The Crown of Frankfurters

I don't know if just me, but for the life of me I think that the word "Frankfurter" is dirty.  "Frank" I get, and I have eaten many of frank -both the processed food and men with that name.

It's the "furter" that leaves me feeling dirty.   Maybe because it reminds me furtive.

Even back on the farm that grandparents and then aunt and uncle had, where you soon learned that "sweetbreads" were not cinnamon sugar toast, a hot dog was fine, so were franks.  But "frankfurter" was as alien to me as those damned "New England Style Hot Dog Roll."

And I have to add that the "New England Style Hot Dog Roll" v "Hot Dog Bun" argument rages in our house.  My husband is from New England.  I am from the "Western Reserve" in Ohio - land owed to Connecticut after the Revolutionary War for service in the fight for Independence.  And in the Western Reserve is a hot dog bun, damn it.

But I digress - my beef t…

Baltimore is a lot like Krab with a K

So here I am, trapped in Baltimore against my will, because my heart happens to have it bad for one of the nicest people ever who got us transferred here.  Being with him in Baltimore is a helluva lot better than being anywhere else by myself, Disneyland included.

Baltimore is NOT like John Water's Baltimore.  John Waters "Baltimore" is a thing seen in a gauzy rear-view mirror.  The women wear their hair in every style except beehives.  People of the opposite sex will still call you "Hon" but its just out of regional laziness.

They call this place "Charm City", but in actuality, it is today, in 2017, a sarcastic reality.  There is very little about Baltimore that is charming.

Baltimore is dangerous, the kind of dangerous that gets you killed for being on the wrong corner at the wrong time.

Baltimore is racist, and that racism cuts through every every race, every hostility.

Baltimore is dirty, and not in the fun sense of the word.  For a town with …